have come up with another way to deal with the situation at home... hopefully it will change for the better and make things easier for all of us at home. hopefully.

anw.. i bought a new bag today.=) bought it at taka... world of sports... now im 50 bucks poorer. oh well. the bag is nice. so i shldnt b that sad. haha.

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 7:09 PM

just had a major blow out with my dad about an hour ago.

i couldn't take in any longer and broke down. in private of course.

i ended up in the toilet for abt 15-20 mins trying to stop crying. which proved to be damn hard. because i didnt want him to see that i had been crying.

came out and folded the clothes while trying my hardest to stop the stupid tears from coming up.

managed to calm myself down enough to go out of the room and do some stuff in the hall.

afterwhich i went into the room on the com and got confronted by my dad again. gave some standard answers and managed to escape unscathed unlike earlier.

but i m still damn pissed. in fact, im even more pissed off than before today.

you are damn hypocritical.

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 9:55 PM

he's at it again. scolding people for no rhyme or reason. jumping to conclusions on certain issues and making us seem like utterly useless people. reading so much into our words to the extent whereby you distort our meanings.

all it took was just one sentence, one innocent statement for you to get pissed and remain that way for a few days.

if you have the right to do that, then shouldn't i have the right to be pissed with you for an even longer period of time for all that you have said to me?

i didnt realise exactly how pissed i was until a few days ago. it really surprised me because i really don't get angry with people that easily and for such a long period of time. so i guess you have made for yourself a record.

it seems weird, but even as i type this, i don't really feel much. just pretty neutral and calm. not even sad, which i should be. but i m not.

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 8:58 PM

correction to previous post: i PASSED my 2.4!!!! apparently i set my stopwatch wrongly. so the timing that i thought i had was a fail. but i went to check the PE noticeboard today and found that i passed. which means i don't have to retake!!!! =D

haha. overreacting le...

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 8:26 PM

failed 2.4 today. by 20s. lol. i dun really feel bad abt it. cuz i haven't been passing thruout the yr anw so i m kinda numb to it le. juz tt i dun wanna go for retest leh. haha.

had guitar auditions after sch. went quite okay la. but results will only be out on friday. till then i gotta keep my fingers crossed. and not break them.=p

was on the bus alone just now after yanting alighted. then started thinking abt lotsa stuff and finally came to the conclusion that life is nothing without hope. because every single second that you are alive, you are hoping for something, whether u are concious of it or not. even by planning to do something in a few minutes time entails hoping: hoping that you will have time to do it later. okay i shan't be morbid and go into the details of what i mean. as u can tell, i m like rambling le. cuz i m damn tired. haha.

how to tell if u r blogging too much:

1)you keep finding yourself on the com

2)the number of posts in your blog seems to grow exponentially

3)you realise that others haven't updated when u check their blogs after u have just updated your own.

and ya, i have all 3.heh.

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 10:52 PM

today was sian... i fell aslp in every lesson cuz i was damn tired. slept at 1+ last nite cuz i ended up doin ne2twork club item until like 1230am. woke up at abt 5.10am. which means i had abt 4 hrs of slp?? and i came back home at 8pm. totally O.O

anw... guitar auditions tmr. i am damn scared. hopefully will be able to make it...

oh n 2.4 tmr. i really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really hope i pass. 10 seconds... please??

i wanna go out leh. haven't gone out properly in a long time. have spent most all of my weekends at home cuz parents don't wanna bring us out. dunnoe if it's because they are too tired or they want us to study. either way.. i feel damn deprived of goin out...>.< gonna go crazy if i hafta continue facing these four walls at home. -.-

btw i want my hols now. super burnt out already. what with ne2twork bulletin, guitar concert auditions, 2.4 run + 5 items, and many many tests and class assignments...o_O.

maybe i shld start counting down to june hols.=p

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 10:36 PM

was looking at the 2nd last entry here and thinking of deleting it. but finally decided against it. cuz it is after all a part of my life. deleting it won't mean that i never felt that way before.

anw, had physics lect test today. think i screwed up my MCQ. and i seriously dunnoe how i did for structured. super unsure of everything. juz hope i do better than the prev test can le. shld b quite easy rite? heh.

oh and pw was funny. cuz we were slacking arnd quite a lot... talking abt random stuff and all tt... and cheryl said something scandalous. which caused half the class to burst out laughing like crazy. it was damn funny... cldnt stop laughing for a long time. haha.

went to yanting's class bench to practice guitar aft sch. manage to play the second piece passably. and learn the melody for spirited away=). hope i can get thru auditions...

was very clumsy today. nearly fell down on the bus twice. and tripped on steps twice. me thinks studying too much for physics really kills brain cells and eyes. hence... no more mugging from now until sat!!! muahahahaha.....

i wanna go out. but no time leh. tired of having to cook up stories to go up. sometimes i really feel like just allowing myself to get caught and grounded. then at least there will be like a valid reason for me not being able to go out.

okay tt's so 歪理. haha.

super cannot make it, lame until cannot laugh joke coming up:

Q:A glass door and a wooden door were told by their teacher to evaluate their behaviour for the day. Whose evaluation was better?

A: The glass door. because it's more reflective.=p

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 10:48 PM

Because Of You - Kelly Clarkson
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 8:07 PM

had core modules today. rushed back home after that cuz my parents know what time i end and also that i am gonna have an physics test on mon(which i m so gonna die in.) and want me to go home and study. yup.

sister's birthday yesterday. dad bought tons of food back. dinner ended up at 10pm cuz tt was when he came back. so i ate until almost 12?? scary man...

anyway everyone's out now. so i shall blog. it's been getting riskier to blog nowadays. cuz they(parents) keep walking into my room to see what i m doing on the com. just a few days ago i was talking to marcus on msn and my dad walked in, told me to shut down the com and STOOD THERE, WATCHING WHAT I DID ON THE COM UNTIL THE COM WAS COMPLETELY SHUT DOWN. totally omg. cuz of tt i didnt even manage to give a proper reply to marcus(cuz my dad doesnt want me to use msn when i go on the com-.-).

it's kind of funny. people that know me know that my parents are really strict and everything. and they also know that not a lot of people can tahan this kinda thing. so it kind of trains my resilience, which btw, is what my name means. It's almost as if things were fated to be right from the start.

but i don't know how long i can continue like this.

rubber bands can be stretched. but when they are stretched past a certain limit, they snap. get what i mean?

i am just so tired of everything. trying to be cheerful when all i wanna do is just to cry and pour everything all out to somebody(no, i m not arrowing anyone in particular) is getting harder and harder by the days. the thing is, the problem that is bugging me now is not something that can be solved. and i hate feeling so helpless.

saw this quote on jieying's blog: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

but how do you that there won't be any permanent damage that can't be resolved?

shit la. another emo post. just when i told myself to look on the bright side of things and start to try to be happy.

sorry if this post ruined anyone's mood.

alvina, if u r reading this, i m fine. don't worry about me.

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 3:38 PM

把我管得那么严的你，让我觉得自己快要窒息了。做什么事，都得照你的意思去做。对于我的考试成绩，你是永远不满意的。我已经忍了很久了。但是我好像快要到达我的极限了。到时候，我如果做出一些极端的动作，你可别怪我。

if there's any prob with the phrasing, just bear with it cuz my chinese really doesnt rock.

as to what this is about... if you can tell by reading this... then you shld know what's going on. if you don't, don't bother asking cuz chances r high that i won't say much.

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 11:13 PM

我们小时候-tank
小时候我总会这样牵着你的手
只是盼望能够在你的身边守候
为了保护你不小心割破手指头
这个小伤却让你泪流心痛
长大后我们越来越远
分隔地球的两边
何时才能够见面
熟悉微笑的脸
回忆起我们小时候
闭上眼就能够感受
在我们心中慢慢流动的温柔
离开了我们小时候
现在你会不会想我
也许你找到一个人为你守候
我了了
回忆起我们小时后
闭上眼就能够感受
站在窗前跟你说了晚安就走
离开了我们小时候
现在的你不在想我
这个时候我了了

love this song lots... the lyrics r damn nice...haha. oh n i shld b studying econs now but somehow i dun feel like it. gonna die tmr.. heh.

didnt have guitar today... which was prob a gd thing cuz we had 2.4trial run in the morning. my timing improved by 40s... but i still failed. by 10s. O.O hopefully will be able to pass nxt wk... dun wanna have to retake.

it's already coming to the end of april. have been thinking a lot abt the ppl arnd me and the friendships i have formed in my class. came to the realisation that jc life is really really short. and that i really shld treasure every single moment of it. because before i know it, it 'll probably be all over. so i shall try to be happy and enjoy every single minute of life now. =)regardless of what happens at home or elsewhere.

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 10:36 PM

today wasn't very interesting. got back math lect test results... teacher mark so damn freaking fast it's scary. reminds me of when i was in sec 2 when my math teacher always does things lidat. my results were quite rubbish la... but i m just glad i passed=)

got back chem class test as well... nothing much to say about that except that i really didnt expect the mark i got. yupyup.

had consultation for chem aft sch cuz my chem bonding was in a mess... and thus slightly late for bulletin comm meeting for ne2twork. not that it really mattered cuz they weren't really discussing when i went in anw. haha. oh n i left like 10 mins after i came? cuz the ppl in my part were dismissed le. so i actually came for 10 mins onli. haha.

went back to ny to see how choir is doin... had a nice chat with my jnrs... really hope that they do well for syf next wk. cuz i know that they have been working hard for it. jia you!!!!=)

oh n i went arnd today feeling like a walking zombie. cuz in addition to the original lack of slp, i had like 2 hrs of undisturbed slp last nite. from 1+ to 3+. after that i woke up every hr for no reason. stupid like hell. totally concussed on the bus to school and on the bus back. >.<

there's only 2 things holding me back now: them and realism. but even now, i can feel myself losing control bit by bit. breaking point will be reached soon.

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 10:16 PM

damn sian now. doing stuff for ne2twork. just realised that info is damn hard to find.

oh and the major blow up i expected didnt turn out as big as i thought it would. but still, it's damn obvious that the effects will be long lasting. my dad has been mentioning my physics marks every time he scolds me since he found out on Sat. regardless of the topic he's scolding me for. -.-

anw... math lect test today. okay i guess. should be able to pass. i think. if got no careless mistakes then can. see how lor. haha.

and jieying came down with a fever of 38.7 degrees today without knowing it=( . get well soon ya?

have been having a bad headache since after math test until now... think i lack sleep. woke up at like 5.10 this morning and didnt dare to go back to sleep cuz i scared i oversleep. >.<

putting the past behind me

I hate you.

When you asked me to get out, the only thing stopping me was the fact that I didn’t have my hand phone and wallet with me.

That’s how bad things have become.

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 10:36 PM

this may be my last hour of freedom and peace in the next month or so. i really hope not but i have to face reality right? i should have known what it meant when i found out that parents' day was on friday the 13th. i m not tt superstitious, but it really doesn't seem all tt good a day for me.

1) i failed econs. by 1 freaking mark.
2) parents' day. when my parents find out the many tests i have been hiding from them as well as the super cmi results. which may result in nagging, scolding and all means of torture unleashed on me by my parents all in the hope of making me become a u super mugger. which i so don't wanna become.
3) screwed up chem mock spa. added too much distilled water into the graduating flask. again.
4) some other stuff i don't wanna talk about here.

and so. how can this friday the 13th possibly seem like a lucky day for me?

but seriously, my mood now isn't all tt bad. music really works wonders. feeling rather neutral and at peace now. ah well... it's probably the calm before the storm. i m down for physics remedial and i think if there's econs remedial i will be down for it too. luckily there isn't. yet. or else i'll probably end up going home late every day. which is why im considering dropping a cca even tho i don't want to. cuz i m damn tired.

shit la. i m like going on and on and on again. okay. complaining 到此为止. here's a super idiotically lame joke tt i send my friend the other day:

什么动物最多管闲事？
答：狗。因为它们组成了狗仔队。

okay. mum is back. all hell shall break loose soon. wish me luck.

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 9:24 PM

o.m.g. i thought that when they said tt the class bench is right in the middle of the right wing they meant tt it was in the middle of the same side of the right wing(i dun tink i make sense but never mind.haha). i didnt expect them to change the alignment of the class benches. it looks damn weird now lor. like market lidat. and i dunnoe about this la... but it feels to me tt there's less privacy now. cuz so many people r squeezed into the same wing.

anw... i went out with yanting after sch to west mall. cuz she wanted to get presents for some ppl. and i had a damn fun time teasing the hell out of her about... some stuff. haha. it got even funnier when she called alvina to ask for her opinion on something... cuz then the both of us started teasing her. poor thing. haha. anw, we r still anticipating a free lunch ya, yanting?=p

parents day tmr. and i get the feeling tt tmr is the last day i will get to enjoy the little freedom i have. cuz i tink tt my parents will seriously consider grounding me cuz my physics results suck like hell. oh well. hope for the best la.=I

believe it or not, i am trying to stop being so reclusive among you guys. but when i see that you all are so bonded, so together and everything, sometimes i really think that it's better if i don't try to join in because it'll make the atmosphere seem weird.

sometimes i really feel like gao zi bi-ing. and sometimes i really end up doing that. wth.

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 9:59 PM

damn full now. ate 2 mountains of rice, one giant chicken pie and one bowl of soup for dinner. if i try to prick my stomach with a pin i think it'll burst. >.<

went to see the doc just now. so now i m on a course of medicine for a wk. -.-

still haven't fins PI yet. left about one para or so to do... and still got econs tut... which i totally dun feel like doing at all.

oh n my sis saw a bird get eaten by a cat just now. super freaky.

n i koped the following off kia hui's blog cuz i thought it was damn nice:

“鱼说，你看不见我眼中的泪，因为我在水中！
水说，我能感觉到你在流泪，因为你在我的心中。”


damn sweet rite? haha. shall go back to mugging PI. and maybe econs. if got mood. heh.

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 8:32 PM

mood swings suck like hell.

i don't know how much longer i can keep up this facade. i m this close to breaking down. very nearly did in physics lecture today. i wanna talk to someone about it. but i can't seem to find anyone. it's either people that i don't want to worry or people that i m not close to. sucks la.

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 9:56 PM

damn tired now. crashed after waterpolo match for about 2 hrs when i actually wanted to go running with my sis. argh. just hope i don't fail my 2.4. don't wanna retake...

been having moodswings throughout the day. stupid like hell.

supposed to do chem tut now. but i have no mood to do it and anw i m not relli sure how to do it. haha. so i guess i'll just TRY to do it later.


One day if i wake up with no voice due to lack of use of it, i won't be shocked.

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 9:58 PM

i learnt a few lessons today:

1) high heels + slippery surfaces = impending disaster. (and no, i didnt fall luckily.)

2)arguing with an MCP is as useful as trying to push a concrete wall with your bare hands.

3)time spent arguing with an MCP is better used thinking of rather creative insults to hurl back at said MCP. although these insults may not be able to be voiced.

4)happy songs like Hey!Juliet(LMNT) and 懂了(Tank)help cure emo-ness.=D

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 6:42 PM

(i just deleted one whole chunk here. because i think that it shouldnt be here as it has something to do with someone else.)

Friendships should always be treasured, regardless of whether the person is a close friend or a mere acquaintance. because you never know if the friend that you left behind is the one true friend of the lot, or if you were that person's one true friend.

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 5:54 PM

new template!!!=) made it while i was supposed to be doin PI. oops. haha. anw... tell me wat u think abt it! leave a tag on my soon to be dead tagboard!=D

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 10:23 PM

From now on, i will try my very best to be more optimistic. no point emo-ing about things i can't change. i will just have to learn to live with it. and maybe i will become a better person after it all blows over.

anyway, i have decided. it's time for me to move on. No more fearing and worrying about things that may not even happen. After all, what's life without risks?

Putting myself out there again. maybe i will get hurt. maybe i won't. but i guess it's better to have tried then to keep wondering what it would have been like to try.=)

whoa. an entry in perfect english. the first of it's kind. haha.

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 5:51 PM

i know i have probably said this in a previous post, but i m gonna say it again.

it's only april and so many things have happened. It's been a pretty rough start to a year for me. get really depressed easily nowadays. trying to remain in a neutral/happy mood but it gets hard sometimes. in fact it's been pretty hard since mid jan, when things really took a turn for the worse, and when most of the problems started surfacing. feeling really exhausted now.

on a lighter note, i played or tried to play basketball with huifang, connie, jieying, liwen, jocelyne and the 2 exchange students today. ended up running around trying to guard people that are taller than me. hence i obviously failed. and anw my basketball doesnt exactly rock to start with. managed to get the ball a few times though. which is an improvement frm sec sch. haha.

had gp essay test today. ended up writing 4 pages (i left lines), which is only abt 900 words?? hopefully i dun score too badly on content. was too lazy to add in more stuff. heh.

went with beatrice and yanting back to ny for lunch... then headed to yanting's class bench where i practised my part for the 1 piece that we have with us... super rusty. haha. after that i attempted to play the melody of various m pop songs on the spot. sounded a bit weird. haha. and all this time yanting was being guai and doin hwk while i slacked off, refusing to do econs. haha.

and guitar ended at 6.10 today. damn exhausted after that. worse still, auditions for concert is coming soon. hope i can make it past the auditions. cuz my guitar playing really fluctuates like nobody's business. like rollercoaster. or quadratic graph. let's hope it's a maximum graph and the dy/dx will be zero on the day of audtions.

okay, i know that was super lame. dun even bother trying to laugh becuz basically i dun find it funny either=p

shld get back to doin econs... have tut tmr and i haven't fins the stuff yet. started abt 1 hr ago and did 1 pg only. haha.

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 11:32 PM

damn tired now. slept at 1+ last nite due to unforeseen circumstances which include a beetle around 1.5 inches long in my sister's room where we both sleep in. basically she spotted the beetle, wanted to get my dad to catch it, but was unable to cuz the beetle suddenly went MIA. vanishing act. and poof. it became koko krunch disappeared. yup. so ended up spending close to 1+ hour in my room with my sis cuz she didnt dare to go sleep with the beetle on the loose, while i wasnt allowed to go back in courtesy of my dad cuz he got pissed with me about something. anw, we went back in at arnd 1+ am. yup. so i m dead tired today. but surprisingly was quite high in the morning. for about an hour? haha. and after that i was like a walking zombie. heh.

thinking of whether i should quit one cca. cuz currently, the earliest i get to go home is 2.30pm. and tt's only one day a week. there are 3 days where i reach home at 7, which means i spend more than 12 hours outside the house when i SO want to catch up on sleep. ya i m damn lazy. haha. i guess im gonna see first la. if it's too stressful i may just quit one.

i realised one thing today: it's really easy for me to lend a listening ear to others when they open up to me, but it's damn freaking hard for me to open up to others. which probably explains why some of my entries here are so cryptic. because they're only excerpts of what i really want to post.

Sometimes i think it's best for me if i just do what i have been thinking of doing and walk out on all this. but i know that that's impossible. so i guess im stuck. again.

- da blur gal tripped and fell here @ 10:21 PM